"Vampires are gay."
On December 19th, 2007 I recieved an email:
"I find your comment on vampires distressing. It is just that sort of vampirist remark that has led to the prejudicial treatment and marginalization of vampires as a class. Think of all those poor little vampire school children whose self esteem is for ever shattered by vampirism. All those vampire executives who can’t break through the UV treated, tinted glass ceiling! While it may be in fact true that some vampires are gay, viz, Anne Rice-style, there are many examples of straight vampires – Angel for instance. Although I must agree that there has been a significant over-use of the not-so-straight vampire character on tv lately. All they want is some blood to suck! Give Vampires a Chance, man!"
Dear Reader, whom I will only identify as Harem LaScurry.
The tone of your letter deeply concerns me. I feel my generalised and prejudicial comments are well warranted, and very necessary in our age. Too long has our population been victimised by the effeminate attentions of stylish pseodo-gothic (but clearly Victorian) vampires. I intend to outline my assertations through the following points.
- Vampires, as a rule, must wear frilly shirts, form fitting vests and scandalously tight pants.
- Vampires spend their off hours enjoying fine wines, bacchanalian feasts and parties of which only the most fanciful in our population could enjoy. Vampires, however, attend these soirees frequently.
- Vampires have no affectations for humans of any particular sex, which not necessarily making them "gay", it does in fact make them "not-straight". Which leads to my next point;
- a vampire bite brings two faces together extremely close, uncomfortable for me, but not for a vampire. It is not custom for males to kiss other males on the necks or any other body part for that matter; transgressors of this rule are surreptitiously viewed with suspicion of gaynessity; and vampires too, despite it being a feeding method and not kissing; the difference being purely semantical.
- Suppose I were to awake from my usual restful sleep to have some guy grinning and leering over my bed slowly pulling off my covers. Intentions aside, that's still pretty gay.
Many vampires have attempted to be portrayed in a masculine fashion, but the effect is transparent at best. Pathetic at worst. To use your example, I point out Angel's highly sculpted eye-brows. No doubt eyebrows that pruned could possibly happen by genetics. Indeed, Angel, before his bloody forays into killing and bloodlust spends untold hours relaxing comfortably in an estheticians chair having his facial hair removed and styled. These are not the actions of a non-gay man. I also point out that many gay men, ashamed of who they are, resort to hyper- masculinity to cover for what they feel is the sexual inadequecy of being attracted to other men. Perhaps this is the case for many "masculine" vampires like Angel or Blade. And further, I challenge you Mr. LaScurry, to exhibit a time when proof of these sort of vampires have inextricably shown they are indeed heterosexual in both action and form!
When compared to a more not-gay creature such as a lycanthrope, commonly, a werewolf; a vampire appears to be a prancing lark.
I am widely known to be modest, forgiving and willing to admit my errors and mistakes, but in this I give vampires no quarter against my prejudices and assertions. I stand by what I said and only wish for others to finally admit that I am right and forgo their own misunderstanding. In this we must unite; for our children, and for our country and for the souls of our fallen ancestors!
Thank you for your email and keep them coming.
