Here's to garbage in your eye!

I had garbage splashed onto my face yesterday, and I didn't take it very well. I was flinging bags of recycling/garbage that I got from the Halifax Shopping Centre - a task I do for my boss and his recycling business - when some liquids and solids, presumably stale coffee, soda backwash and a horrible chunky mixture of strawberry, chocolate and regular milk spurted out from one of the bags onto my face.

It happened in slow motion, Matrix-style. I could see the droplets of filth hurling through the air toward me, but unlike Matrix-style, I was stunned and powerless to avoid it. Paralyzed with fear, I felt the first globule of pestilence hit my upper lip and like a cluster of heat seeking missiles the bulk of awfulness followed suit. I swear some of it actually changed trajectory in mid-air.

It was a devastating attack, I got it in my right eye, over my face and my workshirt.

I started to scream and I fell to my knees and shaking my hands wildly, my co-workers must have thought I had lost an eye or something.

Co-worker: What happened, Adam?! What the hell is wrong with you?
Me: A bag broke open and some of the filthy strawberry, chocolate and regular milk, and soda backwash and old coffee from the Halifax Shopping Centre recycling pick-up we did not more than half an hour ago flew onto my face and eyeball!!! OH MY GOD!
(I have to add that at the time I paraphrased all that and simply said 'SUNOFABIIIIIITCH!')
Co-worker: Quit your belly-aching, you poof.
Me: WAHHHHHHH!
Co-worker: Go wash it out before you get typhus, or pink-eye. And never touch me again, you're dirty and tainted.
Me: WAHHHHHHH!

Despite my hysterics, I made it to the bathroom and thoroughly scrubbed my face and eyeball, but I could not seem to scrub hard enough and for the rest of the day I felt unclean. After burning my clothes and hair clippings and an old tire and a can of WD-40 for good measure, I still felt really, deeply horrible. There just wasn't enough soap in the world.